Tiffany

I watched my brother, Shawn, perform for the guests at his twentieth birthday party. Never had I seen such a display of self-centeredness. He was not happy unless all the attention was focused on him. I felt my heart turn black towards my brother. Previously, I had only felt joy when I was with him. He had always found ways to amuse and entertain me.

I don’t like him, not at all!” I complained to my mother after Shawn had left.
“Who?”
“Shawn! I don’t care if he is my brother. He’s a conceited jerk who only cares about himself! He expects us to do everything for him, but he won’t do anything for anybody else. He forgot your birthday, but you had to throw tonight’s birthday party for him.”

My dad put his arms around me wanting to make the pain go away for he knew how I felt. Shawn had caused the family a great deal of pain and sorrow when he entered into the homosexual lifestyle. I thought back to when Mom first told me of Shawn’s decision. She had picked me up at school for a dentist appointment. I was a junior in high school and can remember the day vividly. I sat in the front seat of our brown station wagon clutching my schoolbooks. Somehow I knew Mom was going to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. The silence stretched between us and the tension grew until I thought if she didn’t say something soon, I would have to scream just to release the stress.

“Do you know about your brother?” Mom finally asked. I wanted to ignore the question, but I knew that would only lead to more silence and I didn’t want that either.
“Yes – well, at least I think I do.” I paused and then continued. “I don’t know how I found out but when he began to get into trouble I didn’t believe it could be anything else. It must be pretty obvious.”
Mom glanced at me and then she went back to concentrating on her driving. “Let’s just make sure we are talking about the same thing . . . He’s a homosexual.”
“Yeah,” I thought to myself, “a queer.”

Shawn never had many friends in elementary, junior, or high school. He was always the kid nobody liked and everybody picked on. To make things worse the tree of us kids, Shawn, Derrick and I, went to a small private school where the pecking order was almost impossible to change. Once an underdog, always an underdog. That’s why the family was so thrilled when Shawn switched to a public school his senior year and began making new friends. It was even common for him to invite his new best friend, Carl, over to spend the night. It was great to see Shawn have a close friendship. He would actually talk on the phone to Carl late into the night – something all teenagers are supposed to do, but Shawn never had.

Thinking back over those days, what was going on seemed so obvious, that I’m surprised I didn’t see it. I recall overhearing Shawn on the phone with Carl in what I thought was an innocent conversation. Shawn was exclaiming, “. . . and I walked out of the dance and found you making out with Carol in the car! . . .” At the time, I just thought that Shawn was reprimanding Carl for his rudeness. It was much easier for me to see and take at face value the mask Shawn was showing me then it was to ask questions. I didn’t want to know what was underneath.

“Mom, do you think it’s all right to lie when people ask me about Shawn? Today Todd asked me at school in front of three people whether or not Shawn was gay. I told him ‘no.’”
“I think it’s all right. It’s none of their business anyway. It would be different if they wanted to help Shawn, but most only want to make fun of him . . . and us.”

My boyfriend and I and two of his friends went for a late night walk to the grocery store. On the way back to my boyfriend’s house the two friends began making fun of homosexuals. Funny. When you do things like that you never know who you’re hurting.

Nothing really mattered though, except for Shawn. It didn’t matter how much he hurt me or the rest of the family, he was still my brother and that’s what counted. The family never stopped loving and emotionally supporting Shawn, but we didn’t just passively accept his lifestyle choices either. Mom, Dad and Shawn went to a psychologist, hoping to open the lines of communication. Plus, they began attending a support group for gays who wanted out of the lifestyle.

Recently my friend, Toni, looked at a guy in class who was obviously gay and exclaimed, “I can’t stand people like that. I wish they would go back to the closet where they belong!” It surprised me. I forgot it’s still a big deal to some people.